Do we know what we want?

Sunday, November 22, 2020

It has been 2 years since I made my last post and honestly, I’m not sure if people even blog anymore - at least in 2020 that is. My absence on this blog was mostly because life got in the way. I think I’m starting to sound like most bloggers who end up quitting.

In 2017, I packed up my most valuable belongings and drove from California to Illinois to start my life all over again. I didn’t think that half way through the drive that I’d literally have to start all over again after getting everything stolen.

In 2018, I got married. We’ll talk about relationships in a little bit, but we eloped at a local court house without informing any of our friends and family members. The process was very unromantic and I never thought it would be that easy to get married. The ceremony was 2 minutes long. 3 minutes if they feel bad for you and ask if you’d like a photo taken, which we were grateful that they had asked.

In 2019, I kind of got my bearings together. Half way through the year, I found a passion to draw again after spending so many years of my life drawing for academic purposes. I started selling stickers through Instagram, then Etsy, and in 2020, I opened up my own website. I was able to pay off all my initial investments and profit probably $100-300 per month. It’s not much, but it helps pay the bills.

So now that we’ve caught up with my major life events, let’s just talk about love - or relationships rather. I am, without a doubt, one of the worst people you can date. I realized this after having gone through 11 serious relationships and watched them fail. Every single time a relationship fails, it adds to the emotional baggage that I carry furthering the wall that I build up for the next person to try and break down. Do you follow astrology? I do. Maybe it’s because it gives me a sense of hope that I know what to expect or helps me feel like there is a reason for why I think the way that I do. Maybe that is why people are big with their faith. I just like knowing that the stars can foresee my bigger life events even if it’s ambiguous.

I am as Cancer as they come. Emotional. Sensual. Nurturing. Artistic. Big dreamers. But the thing that I have more of that pushes all of these personality traits to the extreme is my ascendant sign - Capricorn. As one of my pen pals have put it, “You’re a Cancer being led by a Capricorn.” Capricorns are go-getters. They are leaders. They are practical, disciplined, and realistic. How polar opposite is that? Maybe that is why I’m so messed up mentally. I thought that I had it all, you know? I found my ultimate perfect match - a Capricorn. But I was wrong. How I went about it all was completely wrong.

My husband isn’t a bad guy. In fact, he gave me the freedom that I needed. He gave me a roof over my head and financially supported me as I worked different jobs. Even now, I don’t make nearly as much as he does, so he has to cover most of the bills. I pay for our dog’s needs and our groceries. He helps me with the chores when I’m swamped with orders after coming home from my part-time job. He drops off my orders and letters to pen pals at the post office for me. He’s loyal. So you’re probably thinking, alright, then what’s the problem?

Communication. I like to communicate. I like to talk. I mean just saying that is weird considering how much of an introvert I am and how much I dislike socializing, but I like to connect with people who I have accepted into my circle. He doesn’t like to communicate. Or, rather, he doesn’t like communicating with me about the things that I do want to talk about. Serious things that I value.

Assumption. This goes both ways. He assumes I’m satisfied because I don’t talk about it, therefore, everything is fine. I don’t talk about it because after countless amount of times of bringing it up and realizing that it is going nowhere, I’ve stopped trying. For the record, I haven’t been fine for a while. I don’t talk about it, but I did try to take myself out a few months back. My friend Cat saved me by messaging me right at that moment.

So I had the comfort of being able to work a part-time job and running my own business, a roof over my head, and the best equipment that I could afford, all thanks to him but I still wasn’t happy. The affection was lost. His free time was spent doing things that would take his mind off of things he doesn’t talk to me about because to him, it wasn’t worth talking about, but it was never time spent with me. In a way, we were in a fake marriage. We were roommates. We stayed on our sides of the office, on our own sides of the couch, on our own sides of the bed. It was this invisible barrier that I put up because I felt down.

For a while, I selfishly blamed him for everything. I won’t go into details of his personal life, but it felt so easy to just say, “This is why he’s like this. Because X, Y, Z.” But it only recently occurred to me that maybe the reason why I feel the way that I do isn’t because of what he does or doesn’t do. My expectations grew and honestly, my feelings had drifted away. You can’t blame someone for not loving you, when you lose love yourself. To this day, I don’t love myself in the way that I should so how could I be able to truly love someone else?

I, alone, suffered through depression. That was on me. Did I envy my friends whose marriages are full of support? Oh for sure! Hearing my best friend tell me that her and husband talk through things and how he would stay up with her to watch a virtual K-Pop concert made me feel like I have not found my better half. Turns out, I wasn’t the right half for my husband. I think that when you find the right person for yourself, that person would be willing to make compromises for you. They will think of you as often as you do of them. I wasn’t that person for him. I don’t inspire nor motivate him. I’m a mother figure - one who just complains, yells, and gets frustrated over every little thing he doesn’t do.

Do I love him? I do. As much as I did when we first started dating? Probably less. I don’t know him at all. I know the basics, but deep down, I could never read his mind. We just don’t connect on that level. I’m not sure I’ve met anyone who I was able to connect with on that level. But I do think of him often. Everything I do is so calculated (probably another reason for my failed relationships) and thought through for the sake of the marriage and for him. I love him enough to be willing to quit a part-time job I love and hope to stay long enough to get a full-time position. I love him enough to now do all the chores and be the main caretaker of Milo. I love him enough to live without him as he works longer shifts.

But is the love full of emotional connection? Absolutely not. Is it full of passion? Embers, but it’s there. So to some degree, my love for him exists, but it is not there entirely. I’m most certain it is because I am not the right person for him and while I can pretend all is fine so that it’s less of a worry he has to deal with, it would only make me more miserable. 2 years later, I know what it is that I want.

I want a love that is full of communication. Willingness to talk on both sides. Communication that is full of attentiveness and not easily disturbed. I want a love that is full on passion and thoughtfulness. Are you thinking of me? Tell me that you do. I want a love that doesn’t need to be expressed in things, but in action. Can you sense my stress and struggles? Will you help me? It sounds silly and probably childish, but these are the things I want to feel and see when I’m in love.

I don’t know if I’ll get to experience my ideal love. But for now, there are a few options that I can do. I won’t list them out, but just know that I have considered my next steps. For anyone who is reading, thanks for making it to the very end. I’m not sure this was helpful to anyone, but I needed a place to write my thoughts for a bit. 2020 has been a hard year for all of us. I know we’ll get through it together.


2018 - Year In Review

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Cause and Effect

Monday, October 08, 2018

When I turned 18, I ended up putting myself in an illusional world and in this world, nothing seemed to be fully my fault. Whenever something went wrong, I had what I considered a "reasonable explanation" for why things resulted in the way that it had. For an example, I ended up failing to work out one day and my reason was that I had too big of meals that day to even consider working out. I told myself that I would end up hyperventilating and puking from the amount of exercise I would do.

This habit stuck to me for so many years and over time I knew something had to be done about it. What decisions I make today will determine the outcome of my future. The other day, I thought about all the little things I had splurged on. Had I not done that, I would have had enough money to get a week's worth of groceries. Did I need the things that I had purchased? Absolutely not. Did I hold off on it before making the purchase? Yes. Why did I purchase it? Because I couldn't control myself.

I couldn't let life just pan out for me anymore. I needed to make the change. I needed to do something about it. My skin got better the moment I gave up dairy products. My mind got clearer when I decided to go on more walks. My stress levels decreased when I decided to read more books before bed. My happiness increased little by little when I slowly reintroduced art back into my life. I started opening up and socializing more when I decided to not avoid people. I made all of that happen. It wasn't chance and it wasn't life throwing me positive results.

And sometimes it's just hard to admit that you're at fault. It's especially more difficult when you're already at the stage of self-loathing and thinking of what-ifs. It's easy to lose sight of who you are when you're always thinking about who you want to be.

I'm taking it one day at a time. I know I won't be at complete peace and I know most of my decisions will result in temporary bliss. But maybe that's what I need - just enough bliss to know that the feeling I get when things go right to motivate me to experience more of it.

The Goat

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Lady in Red

Sunday, February 25, 2018